When the Scariest Thing You Can Be is “Average”

#TransparentTuesday

Hi friend,

Many of my clients tell me that their biggest fear is being “normal.”

Not special; not exceptional. Just… regular. Average. Like everyone else. 

*Insert spooky music*

In a world that celebrates dominance and power, many of us learned that the only way to feel safe, seen, and worthy is to be exceptional and superior. We learned that our worth exists only by way of relative comparison to others, and that the only people who are deserving are the ones at the top. 

We learned that the only way to be good enough is actually to be better.

And if we learned that, then we also must have learned that the absolute worst, scariest, and most threatening thing a person can be is average.

To be clear, feeling like you need to be special and superior in order to be safe and deserving is understandable. 

If you grew up being praised for your exceptionalism in any particular area (whether your intelligence, your talent, your potential, or your capacity for discipline/self-control), it makes sense that you might have internalized a belief that being exceptional was the only way to be noticed, loved, or worthy. And if you grew up being criticized or shamed for mistakes, failures, flaws, or mediocrity, it also makes sense that you might have developed a belief that the only way to be safe and deserving was to always be right, be better, or be perfect.

Feeling this way may be understandable, but that doesn’t make it true. (Or healthy!)

A person’s worth actually has nothing whatsoever to do with their relative ranking against other people, and being exceptional/superior in a specific area does not actually make someone more deserving.

In fact, the whole idea that people can be ranked in this way, and that our value is dependent on our ranking position is an illusion created by an oppressive values system!

So not only does the belief that you need to be exceptional in order to be good enough make you feel insecure, anxious, and bad about yourself… but it also helps support and uphold the exact systems of oppression that cause so many allegedly “inferior” people to be mistreated, disrespected, excluded, and killed!

By basing your worth around being exceptional, your own worth is forever in question, which means you’ll need to chase and earn and prove your worth for the rest of your life, and live in constant fear of losing the status you’ve worked so hard for. 

But it also means everyone else’s worth is up for debate, because even if you don’t actively measure their worth the same way you measure your own, you are constantly reinforcing the idea that some people are simply inferior.

Think about it this way: if your value comes from being better than other people in some area, then most people (basically everyone but the 1% at the top of that particular social hierarchy) must have less value, and be less deserving. If that wasn’t true, then why would it be so scary to imagine yourself being in their position?

You can’t believe you’re more worthy without other people being less.

By striving to prove your worth or “earn your social status” by being special or exceptional in this way, it’s almost like you’re saying that you would rather throw other people under the bus in order to protect yourself, rather than making sure the playing field is fair and even for everyone. 

By dedicating your life to the pursuit of this exceptionalism instead, you’re essentially co-signing the rules of the game as they are, and saying that as long as you don’t have to be treated as inferior or undeserving, it’s ok with you that other people do. 

Does that align with your values or ethics? If you’re reading this, I’m guessing not, which is great! It’s incredibly difficult to dismantle these kinds of deeply held beliefs about our worth and value… but it’s a hell of a lot easier when that belief contradicts your core values and worldview!

Plus, one of the biggest downsides I see for people who have internalized this belief is how it makes you feel disconnected from (or judgmental of) other people.

Because how can you ever feel truly connected to other people when you’re terrified to be like other people? (Spoiler: you can’t.)

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Given how deeply important empathy, compassion, connection, community, and relationships are to many of my clients, this again tends to point toward a complete misalignment between their core values and ethics, and their conditioned thoughts and beliefs!

With all of this in mind, you probably won’t be surprised to hear that one of the hardest (and most important) parts of the healing journey for many of these “high achiever” types is learning how to give themselves permission to be unremarkable. 

If that sounds scary to read, I get it. 

But the truth is that giving yourself permission to be unremarkable actually opens the door to the kind of freedom, inner peace, and self-love that you crave—and that exceptionalism simply cannot ever provide.

Being exceptional can feel intoxicating in the moment, but it’s exhausting to maintain, because it’s never a secure resting place. You’re always one step away from slipping, failing, being found out, or being outshown. Taking the pressure off yourself to always be fighting for or defending your position at the top of the mountain means you can finally relax and enjoy the view.

Giving yourself permission to be “ordinary” isn’t the death you think it is; exceptionism is.

Why? Because “ordinary” is where real connection happens. The pursuit of perfection and superiority automatically creates distance, because it keeps you on a pedestal, which feels lonely and isolating, even when it makes you feel good about yourself. 

You can never feel like you really belong in the world, or like your whole self is good enough, when you hold yourself as separate from other people, or you’re constantly ranking and assessing everyone’s position.

Only when you allow yourself to be just as messy, flawed, and “normal” as everyone else will there be space for true intimacy, empathy, kindness, and connection. 

Only when you give yourself permission to be “average” or “unremarkable” are you free to be fully human. 

If that idea still feels scary to you, I invite you to get curious about that, and you can always apply for coaching with me here if you want help working through it!

Big hug,

Jessi