Why Women are More Likely to Feel Like “Bad People” Than Men

#TransparentTuesday

Hi friend,

Do you believe you’re a fundamentally good person?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the importance of our moral identity, and why some people seem to struggle with it immensely, while others don’t. 

In case you haven’t heard this term before, your “moral identity” refers to the extent to which being a moral person—based on your own individual values and beliefs about right and wrong—is central to your sense of self.

Your moral identity plays a crucial role in how you feel about yourself, as well as in the decisions you make, how you treat others, and how moral (or not) your actions and behaviors end up being. 

People with a strong and positive moral identity feel themselves to fundamentally be “good people,” so they tend to make decisions that align with and honor that: both in terms of how they treat others and how they treat themselves. 

People with a poor or negative moral identity may feel like they are fundamentally “bad people,” and are therefore both more likely to act without regard for the morality of their behavior (potentially causing harm to others), or to treat themselves how they think they “deserve” to be treated (ie: like shit), and engage in self-destructive or self-harming behaviors. 

To be clear, we all have a moral identity, just like we all have a body image. And like body image, the role it plays in an individual’s life can vary widely. 

For some people, moral identity is a constant and conscious consideration which they use to guide their actions and hold themselves accountable. For some, moral identity is something that lives entirely in the background of their subconscious, and is rarely (if ever) acknowledged, let alone consulted for decision-making. 

And for still others, moral identity may be a constant source of shame or anxiety, either because the person believes not being “good enough” will result in punishment (think: going to hell), or because the person cares very much about being moral, but doesn’t feel like they’re adequately upholding this value.

In this way, the impact that an individual’s moral identity is likely to have on their day to day life depends a lot on the way they define and understand morality, as well as how in (or out of) integrity they feel themselves to be. 

A person with a healthy and positive moral identity, for example, may not think too much about their moral identity unless (or until) they’re faced with an important moral decision or dilemma, while someone with a fragile or negative moral identity may either obsess over the ways in which they are constantly failing, or be too afraid of facing the consequences of their actions to ever let themselves think about it. 

And that’s where I think moral identity gets interesting. Because I think a lot of people would assume that thinking/worrying about the morality of your actions is automatically a good thing, or the mark of a good and moral person.  

And this is probably true to some extent. 

After all, someone who is unable or unwilling to face their own shame might simply disconnect from their moral identity entirely, giving them the ability to act with no regard for others and cause unspeakable harm “without consequences,” because they’ve effectively learned to put their conscience on “silent.” And there are plenty of people out there who I personally wish would spend more time considering the morality of their actions, and facing the emotional consequences of their actions. (Think: the current administration.)

But in my experience, it’s actually the people who are most attached to the importance of being a good and moral person—and who, in fact, actually are good and moral people—that tend to suffer from the most negative and obsessive moral identities. 

This is probably at least in part the result of some people having higher levels of sensitivity and empathy than others. It would make sense for someone who feels everything deeply (including other people’s pain) to place a high value on not doing harm or causing pain to others, and to experience higher levels of guilt or shame when they inadvertently do. 

But I don’t think that can explain the pattern that I see in my coaching practice, in which certain people seem to become completely obsessed with and distressed about their innate goodness or badness. 

The food and body image issues that some of my clients struggle with actually come down to an almost compulsive need to monitor and manage their moral identity, driven by a deeply ingrained fear of being bad. 

These clients tend to feel like being “good” is crucially important for their ability to survive or thrive in some way. (For example: by “earning” or giving them worth/value, safety, status, or the ability to access love and belonging.)

For these clients, moral identity isn’t a stable and resilient thing created over the long term. Instead, it’s a fragile thing that is perpetually teetering on the edge of disaster; something that they have to constantly worry about and protect; something that turns life into a never-ending series of moral “tests” that they must pass in order to avoid catastrophic consequences. 

Given that, it’s understandable that these folks end up stressing about every little decision, viewing every moment of the day as a high stakes “opportunity” to earn the love and safety they crave, prove their worthiness and goodness, or protect themselves from danger. 

Hypervigilance is a constant companion for these people,

People with this obsessive relationship to moral identity generally go one of two ways. 

The first is that they find a way to exercise superhuman levels of self-control to ensure that they always “pass the test,” effectively trading agency, authenticity, empowerment, and happiness for a sense of moral superiority, which stands in as an (admittedly addictive) replacement for authentic self-esteem. 

The second is that they fail to meet their own standard of goodness, or to adequately establish themselves as morally superior, sending them into a horrific quagmire of shame and self-loathing, and often leading to self-destructive behaviors. (Sometimes this is done consciously as a form of “punishment” designed to motivate themselves to “do better next time,” and sometimes it’s just that when you believe you deserve to be treated like shit, you will both treat yourself like shit, and put yourself to be treated like shit by others. Ugh.)

I’m sharing all this because I’ve noticed an inescapable pattern around who is most likely to end up in this situation; about what kind of person is most likely to develop this kind of obsessive and disordered relationship to their own moral identity. 

To explain this pattern, I need to remind you that while it may seem counter-intuitive, people whose appearance is relatively close to conventional beauty ideals often end up with the nastiest and most all-consuming body image issues. 

In my experience as a body image coach, this happens because people who get a constant stream of positive attention and praise for how they look end up deeply internalizing the belief that their safety, value, worthiness for love and respect, or ability to get their needs met are entirely dependent on people liking how they look. 

The truth is that anytime you believe your safety, value, worth, or ability to get your needs met is dependent on how closely you conform to a specific ideal, it will automatically start to feel vital to your survival that you continue conforming to that ideal. And any way in which you don’t perfectly conform to that ideal will start to feel incredibly fucking dangerous.

Naturally then, people who have been praised for their appearance their whole lives will often become obsessed with maintaining or improving their appearance, and find themselves going into an absolute panic-tailspin at the mere thought of people noticing their flaws, being rejected or judged, or “losing their looks” as they age. 

To be clear, people whose natural appearance is super far away from conventional beauty ideals can suffer from body image issues as well, of course, and their body image issues are often rooted in the very real marginalization and oppression that they face in society for how they look. 

I’m not trying to compare or invalidate anyone’s suffering here, but I want us to remember that people whose appearance is given a lot of attention and praise for being “good” and “special” often become hypervigilant about their own appearance, and that hypervigilance often creates a body image that is obsessively negative, even if the attention itself was positive. 

I’m pointing this out because I think a similar thing happens for people who are given a lot of attention and praise for their moral goodness and character. 

Think about it. 

If a person receives a constant stream of positive attention for their “goodness,” with very little import given to any other parts of them (like their intelligence, sense of humor, ambition, or creativity), doesn’t it make sense that they would come to associate their moral character—or at least, other people’s perception of their moral character—with their value, worth, belonging, or safety?

Again: anytime you believe your safety, value, worth, or ability to get your needs met are based on how closely you conform to a specific ideal (whether that ideal is about looking attractive or being a good person), that ideal starts to feel incredibly important, and any way in which you fail to meet the ideal starts to feel incredibly dangerous. 

People who have received a disproportionate amount of praise for being “good” tend to internalize the idea that their “goodness” is the only thing that gives them value, which naturally makes them hypervigilant about the state of their moral character.

I have so much more to say about this phenomenon, but for today I just want to invite you to consider who, in our society, is most likely to grow up being given a lot of attention and praise for being “good.” 

Which kind of child is most likely to be celebrated for demonstrating moral qualities like compassion, empathy, patience, honesty, and humility? Who is most likely to be praised for being nice, kind, and polite? For sharing, or following instructions, or being patient and quiet and well behaved? 

And who, as adults, is most likely to be praised for their kindness, generosity, compassion, humility, and compliance? Who is most likely to be celebrated for their ability to take care of everyone else, put their own needs last, be accommodating, and give grace? Who is most likely to be applauded for sacrificing their own happiness and comfort in service of making everyone around them feel happy and comfortable?

That’s right. It’s girls and women.

Morality itself may not be inherently gendered, but the attention placed on it societally—and the role it’s likely to play in a person’s sense of self and life—sure as hell is. 

Girls and women are taught that our value comes from moral goodness in a way that boys and men simply are not. 

So much so, in fact, that even the way we’re valued for our appearance can be understood as an issue of morality, in that girls and women’s moral goodness is determined by what she provides to other people, and her appearance can be understood as just one more way in which she can “provide” a positive experience.

By looking a certain way, a woman is "providing” others (read: men) an experience of joy, beauty, peace, status, ego-stroking, or sexual arousal/gratification.

It’s not that we don’t care about the morality of boys and men. We do. We just place far less attention on their “moral goodness.” We’re far more forgiving of their bad behavior (because “boys will be boys”), and we hold them to a completely different standard in terms of what does and doesn’t count as moral in the first place.

A gruff and unsmiling man isn’t shamed for being rude or bad, for example, because providing warmth and cordiality in every interaction simply isn’t a part of the moral code we hold men to. But it is, for women. 

And even if we held people of all genders to the same moral standard, it would most likely affect people differently across gendered lines, because of the way gender impacts how we notice and celebrate morality. (Meaning: it seems likely that girls and women would be disproportionately more likely to receive a lot of attention and praise for being “good” throughout their lives than boys and men, even if the “rules” for what counted as “good” were the same.)

Put another way, girls and women are more likely to have learned that their moral identity is a salient and essential part of their identity and value— which means that down the line they are far more likely to have internalized the belief (or fear) that they are, in fact, bad. 

The implications for this insight are pretty massive, and I think it has everything to do with why girls and women are so much more likely to struggle with body image issues, as well as with self-esteem and a sense of being worthy and deserving overall.

I’d love to hear from you on this—leave me a comment and tell me about your own moral identity, and share any insights or reflections you’ve noticed, either from personal experience or from paying attention to the world around you!

Big hug,

Jessi

PS I’m opening up a few private coaching spots soon, and I would love to work with you! Check out the options here and apply for coaching now if you want to finally understand and dismantle your underlying blocks to body neutrality, empowerment, confidence, or ability to thrive!