What Happens When You Stop Centering Men?
Hi friend,
Today I want to tell you—with their permission—the story of two women who came to me for body image coaching, and ended up with very different results.
These two women had a lot in common—both identified with the Self-Objectifer Body Image Avatar, although they each had different “wings.”
Both were married (to men). Both struggled with having a lower libido than he did, and a feeling of pressure to “meet his needs.” And both spent a lot of time worrying about how they looked.
But despite their similarities, my clients ended up with extremely different outcomes.
One woman, who for the sake of this article I’ll call “Jaime,” is still married, with a partner who has seriously stepped up his game at home, and who is currently taking a women’s studies class at their local college so that he can be a better partner to his wife and better father to his daughter.
The other woman, who I’ll call “Hannah,” is currently in the process of finalizing her divorce.
I want to tell you about these stories together, because they beautifully illustrate something important about what happens when you stop organizing your life around men.
The truth is that you can change how you show up, but how the men around you respond to those changes is entirely up to them—and you can learn a lot about a man by watching how he responds when you stop centering, accommodating, and prioritizing his needs, feelings, preferences, desires, and ego.
As you’ll see though, finding out the answer to “how he reacts” will dramatically improve your life no matter what.
Let’s start with Jaime’s story.
As a (reformed) Self-Objectifier myself, I immediately recognized a few things about Jaime on our first call together.
First I saw that she had primarily learned to think about and experience herself through the imagined eyes of other people—most often men—and that her negative body image thoughts seemed entirely centered around what a hypothetical man might think about her at that specific moment, or from that specific angle.
This habit, which is called “self-spectatoring,” is such a common part of the self-objectification experience that I wrote about it extensively in my book Body Neutral.
Someone with a self-spectatoring habit is likely to find themselves constantly thinking about and managing how they might appear to others, usually in the hopes that they’ll be perceived as attractive, and therefore as valuable or “worthy.” (Or at the very least: in the hopes that they wouldn’t be perceived as “gross” or “disgusting,” and therefore undeserving.)
Jaime told me that even when she was in a room alone, there was at least a small part of her brain scanning the scene from the outside, almost like there was a camera on her, and narrating instructions on how she could appear more likeable, attractive, or desirable to the imaginary “audience.”
And while this habit existed long before she met her husband, it started to immediately form itself around his preferences and perspective after they got together, and became increasingly negative and intense after she gave birth to their first child.
Jaime and her husband were socially and politically progressive, and they had always set out to be “equal partners” to whatever extent they could in their marriage. But things really changed when they became parents, with a lot of the childcare and day to day tasks at home falling automatically to her, and the combination of hormones, bodily changes, exhaustion, and resentment (about seeing him continue to live his life while she felt like she was disappearing into motherhood) left her with absolutely no desire for sex.
Sex started to feel like “just one more chore on her endless to-do list,” Jaime told me, and said that while he definitely wanted her to be into it and enjoying it, she pretty much only ever did it nowadays to make him happy, or prevent him from feeling rejected, getting frustrated, or sulking.
This was around the time that we started working together, and one of the first things I asked when I heard her story was “does he know you feel this way?”She told me that she didn’t know, because while she felt like it “should be obvious,” she had never actually stated any of it explicitly.
When I asked why, she said because she knew it would really hurt his feelings (he took pride in being a great husband and father), and also because he had always praised her for being one of the “few laidback and easygoing women” he knew, so she felt like speaking up would make him value her less.
In other words, patriarchy had taught Jaime to experience herself through her husband’s perspective, and measure her worth and value by his happiness…which meant that eventually, she had to choose between her own happiness, or continuing to have value in his eyes.
As it turns out, the work that Jaimed needed to do to stop obsessing about her appearance was also the exact same work that would help her dramatically improve her marriage, mental health, and sense of overall satisfaction with her life.
Jaime needed to dislodge her husband from the center of her emotional world.
This was a few years ago, so I just called the educational part of this work “unlearning patriarchy.” I gave her a few feminist book recommendations, and had her practice cultivating important real life skills, like speaking up, advocating for herself, setting boundaries, holding him accountable for his own emotions, connecting with her own anger, validating her own emotions, and cultivating tolerance for his discomfort.
The journey wasn’t easy, but Jaime recognized that if telling her truth (and feeling whole as a person) ended her marriage… then that was a marriage worth ending.
Now let me tell you a bit about Hannah’s story.
Hannah was in a very similar boat, but she was also a stay at home mom, so she didn’t feel like she was “allowed” to feel resentful about the vast majority of childcare, cooking, cleaning, and family management falling to her, because that’s what she had “agreed to” with her husband before the kids were born.
Hannah also felt guilty and uncomfortable about not “contributing” n financially to the household, and felt like she “owed it” to her husband to meet his needs sexually, since he was the one working so hard every day to provide for them. As a result of this belief, she’d been having “obligatory sex” with him for so long that I wasn’t surprised to hear her say that every time he expressed physical affection—even just a hug, kiss, or massage—her whole body tensed up, bracing for sex.
While Hannah did also experience some self-spectatoring, her body image issues seemed to stem more from a deep unconscious belief—most likely rooted in childhood sexual abuse—that men only value women for their bodies, and that if you don’t give men what they want sexually, they will get angry and hurt you.
Having learned to measure her value, and therefore her safety, through her desirability to men, Hannah was constantly finding new reasons to hate her body and appearance. Every new jiggle, wrinkle, or pound felt like a threat, and she worried constantly that her husband would stop finding her attractive and either turn violent, or abandon her completely in favor of something younger and thinner.
For similar reasons, Hannah also spent her marriage habitually trying to “mindread” what her husband was thinking or feeling, anticipate his needs, and keep him calm and comfortable. Every decision she made around the house was geared toward what he liked best (or at least what she thought he would like best).
What to make for dinner. What time to give the kids baths, so he could say goodnight to them and then go watch tv while she did bedtime. What to watch on TV. Who they spent time with, and how they spend date nights
and family time. What time they went to sleep. When they had sex.
It was all unspoken. Hannah’s husband never asked to be centered in these ways, and it seemed likely he didn’t even realize it was happening. It’s just what happened, slowly over time, until eventually everything in her life was organized around his needs and preferences.
Hannah told me she felt like a mere shadow of her former self, and that she really missed her friends, her hobbies, her career, and the woman she used to be.
So again, the path Hannah needed to walk to break free from hating the way she looked was the exact same path needed to reclaim her identity, her confidence, her expansiveness, and her happiness: she needed to remove her husband from the center of her world.
I now call this work “decentering men,” and it has played a huge role in a lot of my body image coaching work, especially for Self-Objectifiers, for reasons that are probably pretty obvious by now.
Bodies can’t be “morally neutral” if they’re also a key part of earning, or keeping, your partner’s love, loyalty, respect, or protection. So body neutrality is impossible for anyone who still believes their worth or value are
in any way determined by how men view them, whether or not men find them attractive, and/or whether they’re providing men with sexual arousal and/or gratification. (And that includes “men” as a monolithic group concept, men as individuals, only men you’re attracted to, or just the one man you married.)
Jaime and Hannah both had to go on similar journeys during our work together, in terms of “decentering” their husbands. This means they had to reconnect to their own desires, goals, and preferences, and also unlearn internalized patriarchal gender myths that kept them from prioritizing their own needs and taking up space in their own lives, such as:
“Men are more visual and prefer women who meet a very high standard… so she can’t expect him to stick around if she lets herself go.”
“Men have needs and wives have a duty… so she can’t expect him to stick around if she doesn’t put out.”
“Men have fragile egos and don’t like to be criticized or nagged… so she can’t expect him to stick around if she’s always complaining.”
“Women are just naturally better at childcare, cooking, and cleaning… so she can’t expect her husband to do those things.”
“Women are more emotional and men are more logical… so she can’t expect him to connect with her emotionally the way her female friends do.”
It was thrilling to see each of these women start doing things, both big and small, that centered herself.
Asking him to take over weeknight bedtimes so she could have some time to herself in the evenings. Cooking what she wanted for dinner, even though she knew it wasn’t one of his favorites. Telling him about the plans she made with friends, instead of checking in first to see if he wanted to hang out that night. Offloading mental labor by saying things like “the kids have to go to the dentist soon, can you handle that?” or “I don’t know, you’ll figure it out” when he asks where things go in his own kitchen.
Writing his name down as the “preferred parent” to be called first during an emergency at the kid’s school. Putting a pause on sex, and being honest about what would need to change for her to genuinely want it again.
Telling him she wanted to go back to school.
The work of decentering men is powerful magic, and watching women cast these kinds of spells never fails to leave me in a state of awe. Seeing them realize the handcuffs they’ve been wearing their whole lives are actually imaginary or self-imposed. Seeing them face their fears and step into their power for the first time. Seeing women and AFABs flex new muscles in service of their own wholeness is something that, as a coach, I don’t think I will ever get over.
But the fascinating thing is that even when you step up to the plate of your own liberation, and swing for the rafters, you can’t actually control the outcome.
Jaime’s husband, for example, was shocked by her revelations, and after a period of confusion and woundedness, he started asking questions, listening, learning, educating himself, going to therapy, and working on himself. He recognized that he also had to be actively deprogramming patriarchy in order for their marriage to work, and that just “helping out more around the house” or “giving her more time to herself” wasn’t enough. They started actively reconstructing their marriage from the ground up, and while there were definitely some “I don’t think this is going to work” moments, they now seem to have figured out a whole new marriage dynamic that allows them each to thrive.
Oh and after nearly nine months of taking sex completely off the table and rebuilding emotional intimacy and trust, Jaime and her husband started slowly exploring physical intimacy together again, but in a whole new way… and they now enjoy a sex life that is mutually satisfying and pleasurable, and completely free of pressure, expectations, and sulking.
And while that certainly isn’t the point of doing this work, it’s certainly a win worth celebrating in my book.
Hannah’s husband, on the other hand, did not respond well to the changes she made.
He got defensive every time she tried to talk about her feelings, acted cold and distant whenever she did something that wasn’t his preference, and threw tantrums about her “withholding sex,” even after she explained that sex had started to feel really yucky and violating to her.
Hannah was doing the same thing Jaime did, but decentering men forces men to show their true colors, and Hannah’s husband’s colors were… not good. (During one fight that started with her trying to explain that she would probably want sex more often if he went down on her, or let her use a toy to orgasm, he got angry and shouted “that shouldn’t matter—knowing that you’re making me happy should be enough for you!”)
Anyway, you already know how these stories end: one in marriage, one in divorce. But what you don’t know is that their relationships really aren’t the point.
Because the thing that both women got from this work was way bigger than their marriages. They got their brains back. Their time and attention and energy. Their confidence. Their connection to themselves, and their pleasure, and their joy.
Both Hannah and Jaime stopped feeling constantly distracted by anxiety, insecurity, self-spectatoring, body image issues, guilt, shame, and self-doubt, and they started living lives that felt infinitely more expansive, authentic, and alive. They started treating themselves like the main character of their own lives, and all of the sudden, the whole world opened up.
They pursued new hobbies and passions, stretched and nourished themselves intellectually, and challenged themselves creatively. They invested in community, developed and deepened friendships, and experienced new levels of intimacy, connection, and support. They luxuriated in previously taboo sources of pleasure, play, rest, creativity, and joy.
In other words, these women built lives that delighted and satisfied them, and as it turns out, those lives didn't end up looking at all like what society said should delight and satisfy them.
Because patriarchy wants us to believe that centering men is the “right” or “normal” way of things, and that women don’t really even have our own needs, desires, preferences, or goals… so it’s only natural that we feel completely fulfilled by playing a supporting character in a man’s world. eye roll
Anyway, this is the kind of magic I want to focus on right now, with society being what it is at the moment.
I want to help women and AFABs dislodge men—whether specific men, or just the whole idea of “men”— from the center of their worlds.
→ I want there to be no whisper of a man’s preferences or opinions influencing your body image, your identity, or your confidence.
→ I want there to be zero consideration whatsoever about “what men like,” or “what men want” or “what men prefer,” in any area of your life.
→ I want you to have access to every single bit of your own power, freedom, and happiness, without gender myths, power dynamics, or self-objectification getting in the way.
My job isn’t to help you figure out how to stay with a man, or how to leave one. It’s to help you stop measuring your worth through his eyes, stop using patriarchal bullshit against yourself, and discover what you actually want and feel when “being desirable to men” stops being the assignment.
Doing this kind of work will change how you interact with men, and therefore it will impact your relationships with them… but the possibilities and benefits go so far beyond that.
Think about how much more your life could become, if you weren’t constantly evaluating your desirability, anticipating his reactions, compensating for his lack of effort, convincing yourself that things are “good enough,” or limiting what you allow yourself to feel, want, and know.
If you recognized yourself in Jaime or Hannah—or if you’re just incredibly tired of knowing about patriarchy, while still feeling its nasty little grip on your body image, confidence, pleasure, relationships, or happiness—I would absolutely love to work with you.
This is the long-term coaching work I’ve been doing with my self-objectifier clients for years, and I’m finally “coming out of the closet” about it.
You deserve a huge and powerful life that delights and satisfies you, which means you need to learn how to stop making men the center of the whole project, and build the damn thing around you.
Big hug,
Jessi
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