The Power of Setting Scary Boundaries.

#TransparentTuesday

Hi friend,

I recently found myself needing to set a scary boundary with someone. 

It wasn’t scary because the boundary itself was a big deal (it really wasn’t), but because of what it meant to me to set it. 

Because of the shame I felt about wanting to set it. 

Because of the little version of me deep down who believed I was being “too sensitive” and “too dramatic,” and that “normal people” would just let it go and make do with the way things were. 

Because of the way I knew it would probably change things, and hurt people I care about.

I went back and forth for a long time about whether or not I really needed to set this boundary. I was really really hoping to find a solution in which I never had to do it. Never had to say those words. Never had to find out how they’d respond.

Because that’s the thing about boundaries… by not setting them, you can still hold onto multiple possibilities all at once. 

There’s always the possibility that the other person just magically figures it out on their own and spontaneously changes, for example— so that the problem goes away without you ever having had to address it!

Plus you can also hold onto the hope that if you ever did speak up, the other person would really surprise you— that your boundary would be received with so much understanding, respect, validation, and curiosity that true repair work would suddenly become possible, and the boundary would no longer even be needed.

And then of course there’s also the “hope” that the other person would respond in the worst possible way, too, thereby immediately and unambiguously affirming that they are not capable of respecting you—so that you never again doubt yourself about whether or not you were being “too dramatic,” or if setting this boundary was the right thing to do. 

Even though that last option is a scary and painful one, it leads to a clear and definitive sense of having done the right thing; of the boundary having been "necessary." 

And I think the thing that keeps most people from setting scary boundaries is the worry that they’ll hurt someone they care about, and it won’t have been worth it. That they’ll have to live with the shame or guilt of just not having tried hard enough to find another option.

So yeah. Before you set the scary boundaries you can hold onto the many glorious and hopeful possibilities, all of which offer you the protection, hope, or sense of certainty that you can rest in. 

But all of those possibilities go right out the window when you actually use your words, your body, and your actions to stand in your power and tell someone what you need. 

And far more often than not, in the real world, setting a scary-empowering-righteous boundary tends to be met with something a lot less clear-cut; a lot messier and more nuanced. (Because people are nuanced, and relationships are messy.)

Also because we humans are wired to rely on our attachment relationships to such an extent that anytime we’re forced to choose between ourselves and them—and we choose ourselves—it feels like dying.

So I went back and forth for a while before setting my own scary boundary, and then I spent a few days (while I waited to see how they would respond) feeling like I was dying.

But what happened next really surprised me. I felt… free.

It wasn’t the boundary itself that made me feel free, although it did offer me a new feeling of peace in a relationship that has always been challenging. But the thing that made me feel so free was just the fact that I set it.

That I had trusted my intuition and stepped into my power. That I had advocated for my own needs, despite the potential for hurting someone I love, and despite the shame-voice that said I was just being overly sensitive and dramatic.

It was so empowering to know that I had chosen and protected myself; a visceral reminder that I am worthy of being chosen and protected, and that there is someone out there who will always choose and protect me. (Me!)

Plus once the boundary was set, I experienced a surprising flood of affection and compassion for the other person! It was like my heart, which had always been “on guard” around this person, was suddenly able to soften and open, knowing that this boundary was in place and I no longer needed to be on guard.

This was the most beautiful part of the experience for me, and the most affirming that I had done the right thing. Because as activist Prentice Hempfill says:

"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” 

It’s very difficult to feel open-hearted and loving toward someone when we are always on the defensive in some way. (I help clients set boundaries for this reason all the time, actually!)

Many of the women I work with who partner with men, for example, will tell me that they often feel pressured or rushed when it comes to intimacy with their partner… so much so that they end up feeling like they’re “on the defensive” all the time, and lose access to their own desire and arousal.

The truth is that you cannot simultaneously feel open-hearted and available to someone while also trying to manage their behavior in order to avoid having your boundaries crossed. And unfortunately that’s the situation a lot of women end up in. 

Because they’re afraid it would hurt their partner’s feelings to state the boundaries they need directly, they end up constantly tasked with protecting those boundaries indirectly, by using their body language, actions, and tone of voice to try to manage their partner’s behavior.

Unfortunately however (because this type of communication is so indirect), a lot of their male partners never get the hint and keep attempting to touch and initiate intimacy, so that her feeling of needing to be “on the defensive” just gets more and more entrenched. And since we need to feel completely safe, relaxed, and unrushed to experience desire and arousal, being in “indirect boundary management” mode all the time just means she never gets to experience those things, and their sex life becomes a “problem.”

When I work with women in this situation, the first thing we do is figure out exactly what boundaries would allow her to fully step out of “defense and management” mode and relax around her partner? 

This is a perfect example of a “scary boundary,” because we’re evolutionarily wired to want to protect our attachment relationships, and it can feel very risky to say things that will make your partner feel hurt and rejected. 

But setting the exact boundaries that will allow you to feel relaxed, safe, and open-hearted toward your partner is actually an act of kindness for both you and them. Because when you know you won’t be pressured or rushed around intimacy (which is to say, when your boundaries are structurally protected, so that you don’t have to do any labor to manage or protect them in the moment), it becomes a lot easier to tap into your own desire and arousal.

A lot of my clients have been shocked by how much more available they are for intimacy with their partner (both emotional and physical) when they’ve taken the leap to set explicit boundaries like “don’t touch ___ without asking,” “don’t initiate when I’m ___,” “check in with me before ___,” and “let me set the pace instead of escalating things.”

We might even reframe Prentice Hempfill’s words to say that these boundaries are the distance at which she can both access desire within herself, and for her partner, simultaneously!

As far as I’m concerned, the way boundaries help us reconnect to our most authentic, expansive, open-hearted, and unguarded selves is pure magic, and is hands down the best reason to take the risk and set them.

Anyway, I’ve been flying high on the empowering, liberating, affirming, and joyful experience of choosing myself and setting my own boundary lately, and I’m in the mood to encourage everyone else to do the same. 

So… do you have any areas of your life where you might need to set a boundary? Any relationships in which you feel constantly guarded or defensive, but are afraid to ask for what you need to relax and feel safe? Any relationships where you feel like you’re choosing their feelings over your needs? 

If so, I invite you to get curious about why you’re not speaking up, and consider how it’s impacting you (and the relationship!) to always be on the defensive, always be managing them indirectly, or always be closed off to/frustrated with them. 

Because ultimately, while setting boundaries with people we love can feel like dying, it can also be exactly what we needed to come back to life. <3

Big hug,

Jessi

PS If you need help or support navigating relationships, boundaries, or feeling safe advocating for yourself, I would love to help!

Apply for coaching with me here, and we’ll talk!