Hey friend,
Today is election day, and I’ve been thinking a lot about how difficult it has become—both in our own personal relationships, and in society at large—to have productive, respectful, and meaningful conversations with people across the political divide.
This has definitely become a distressing problem in my own life, and in the lives of many of my clients. Maybe it’s an issue for you too?
Talking about politics has become so divisive, personal, and emotionally charged over recent years that these conversations have hit a painful and frustrating stalemate for many of us, even with people who used to be open to respectful debate and new ideas.
We no longer have a shared sense of reality around the facts, or about which sources of information can be trusted and believed. Each side seems to believe that the other side is being brainwashed and manipulated, which makes it almost impossible to debate the issues in a meaningful way. How can we ever move forward when one side says “but what about this issue?” and the other side responds with “actually, that’s not happening.”
On top of that, we’re all taking in such different information, and focusing on such different issues, that each person feels like the other’s beliefs pose a legitimate threat to their rights, liberty, and very existence. And how can we be expected to have a calm or respectful conversation with someone we believe is trying to hurt us? How can we come to any kind of mutual understanding with people we think are stupid or evil?
Well, the bad news is that we can’t.
We just can’t! Respectful conversation and mutual understanding are simply not possible between two people who view each other as a dangerous enemy. And given where we’re at as a society right now, this truth can be incredibly overwhelming and depressing, and it’s very easy to fall into hopelessness and despair.
Luckily, there’s good news, too.
Because while we can’t have healthy conversations and relationships with people we see as our enemies, we can still heal these relationships, move toward mutual understanding, and even change hearts and minds… if (and only if) we’re willing to do the work to stop seeing them that way.
To be clear, I am not saying you need to stay in relationships with people whose political views are triggering, abhorrent, or offensive to you. You don’t.
Every single person has a right to protect their peace, and to choose to invest their time and energy into relationships where they feel respected and safe. I am a huge proponent of self-advocacy, discernment, and boundaries, and I don’t believe anyone has a right to your time, energy, attention, love, or respect. You don’t “owe” anyone a relationship, and it’s not your responsibility to do the mental and emotional labor to get someone to respect you, so ending a relationship is always a valid option.
That said, I know a lot of you are like me, and have extremely important relationships with people—relationships that are deeply fulfilling, meaningful, and positive in many other ways—that are breaking your heart right now. Relationships that are worth fighting for, and worth investing in, but that have become incredibly tense, painful, and frustrating due to a difference in political views.
If that’s you, I see you. I know how hard that is, and today I want to talk about what we can actually do to move those relationships in the right direction.
And this is where it gets tricky, because the vast majority of the anger and vitriol we’re seeing right now when it comes to political issues is the result of people on all sides feeling misunderstood, hurt, scared, defensive, and rejected.
The truth is that our worst selves always come out when we feel threatened, judged, and disrespected. The qualities that most of us value and aspire to—like empathy, kindness, patience, compassion, and respect—tend to go right out the window when we’re focused on protecting or defending ourselves. And that applies to you (as you probably already know) but it also applies to everyone else. Talking about political disagreements often has a way of making both people in a relationship feel increasingly judged, disrespected, and defensive, which becomes a self-perpetuating pattern of conflict and tension. The less safe each person feels, the less willing they become to extend empathy, respect, and understanding to the other person.
This is the cycle you will need to break.
If you genuinely want these relationships to improve, you will need to figure out how to set aside your anger and judgment, and make the other person feel safe with you.
And listen, I know this is a tall order. Anger is an emotion that is hard-wired to protect us, and it makes sense to feel angry when someone’s beliefs pose a threat to our safety, dignity, or existence. Letting go of our anger in the face of danger can feel terrifying, vulnerable, and honestly just like a terrible, irrational thing to do– almost like exposing your throat to an animal preparing to attack. So if you’re going to try to do something this radically scary, hard, and vulnerable, I think the first step is to really decide that doing so will be worth it.
That means you’ll need to take a good hard look at the individual relationship you’re considering working on, and decide if it feels like you’re safe to set aside your anger. Is this a person you have historically trusted to love and respect you, and who you think would be willing to follow your lead if you do the hard, brave thing first? Is this a person you trust to hold your vulnerability with care, or will they just use your vulnerability to attack you? Is this a person who has started to feel trapped and defensive with you, and whose “best self” is likely to come out if they feel safer?
If you decide it’s worth taking the leap, your job is to find a way to set aside your anger and judgment, come to them with an open heart and mind, treat them with respect, give them the benefit of the doubt, and genuinely seek to understand them.
This has to come from a genuine place, too. It can’t be faked or forced, and you can’t have ulterior motives, because people can feel that. So the big question here can’t be how to change the other person’s beliefs or behavior, but rather how to help them feel accepted, respected, and understood.
This means doing the work to stop seeing (or treating) them as your enemy, setting aside your anger and judgment, and treating them with respect and compassion— even when that feels impossible or unearned. It means trusting that they are fundamentally a good, moral, and intelligent person deep down, and that their beliefs are a reflection of their fears, wounds, and experiences that are very real for them.
I know this won’t be easy. Extending empathy and respect to someone whose beliefs pose a threat to you is hard as fuck, but this is how human psychology works. No amount of anger or judgment is going to make them see things your way. And since we can’t control other people—we can only control ourselves—the person who is probably going to have to break the cycle and move things in the right direction is you.
If your goal is to have calm, respectful, and productive conversations, or to cultivate healthier relationships, you’ll need to break the cycle of anger and judgment, and make them feel emotionally safe with you.
Now, I know I just said you need to do this work without ulterior motives, and that’s true. But I think it’s important to point out that emotional safety is also required for people to actually change their beliefs!
Nobody in the history of the world has ever changed their mind about something in response to being shamed, judged, or attacked for it. Quite the opposite in fact! Our capacity to take in new information, consider new ideas, and be introspective tends to just evaporate into thin air when we’re on the defensive.
So while your anger and judgment may be valid and righteous, it’s also the worst possible strategy for changing hearts and minds.
Personally, I grew up with a long list of political beliefs that I’ve completely changed my mind about over the years, and I know I would never have been able to make those changes without the many people who called me in with respect and kindness.
Thinking back to when I was personal trainer for example, and still helping people lose weight, I can only imagine how I would have responded if people started coming after me like “what you’re doing is DISGUSTING and EVIL, you’re either too STUPID to understand or too CORRUPT to care that you’re hurting people– please go EDUCATE yourself!”
It might have been valid for someone to feel that way, but I’m very glad they didn’t say it. Because not only would it have not changed my mind in the slightest, but it probably would have just made me feel so defensive that I dug my heels in, and never found my way out of diet culture and into body neutrality!
I am so, so grateful for the people who led with respect, kindness, and vulnerability as they gently challenged my beliefs, and introduced me to new ideas. The people who said things like:
“Hey I know you care about empowering women, so it feels a little off to me when you talk about ____.”
“I know you probably didn’t mean it this way, but your post felt hurtful to me, because ____.”
“Hey have you heard of ____? I think you might find it interesting!”
In other words, the people who helped me change my beliefs (on diet culture, as well as so many other topics) were the ones who made me feel safe enough to take in new information, and reconsider my stance. And this is always how it goes.
Anger, judgment, and disrespect don’t work to change hearts and minds; not only do they poison a relationship, but they also drive people further into their original position.
So even in those moments when your only goal is to get someone to change someone’s beliefs, it’s crucial that you figure out how to engage in a way that makes them feel safe. Fight the urge to judge or criticize, give them the benefit of the doubt, lead with curiosity, and seek to genuinely understand them.
I know it’s hard, but making people feel accepted, respected, and understood is the only chance we have of actually changing hearts and minds, and of maintaining the kind of healthy and secure relationships from which people are willing to be gently called in.
Please go vote (if you haven’t yet), and be gentle with yourself today as the election results roll in.
We’ve got this,
Jessi
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