Honestly, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done…
Hey friends,
I’m totally wrecked right now. Writing a book started out as exciting, and then it got interesting and challenging. Right now, with less than two weeks to hand in my manuscript, it’s BRUTAL.
The endless mental labor, the physical toll it’s taking on my body, the emotional toll it’s taking on my life and relationships.
I have to sit down and write all day, no matter how much my hands and forearms and back ache. I have to sit down and write all day, no matter how tired and in need of a break I am. I have to sit and write all day, even when every cell in my body is screaming “NO!” and all I want to do is to quit, and crawl into a hole, and disappear forever.
It’s just… hard. Like, so fucking hard.
The hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I’ve spent endless hours crying about this book, because in those moments, I was so sure that I could not do it.
This book has pushed me closer to my limits than anything else ever has. I’m stretched so far beyond my capacity and threshold for stress right now that I barely recognize myself.
And it’s interesting, because since deciding to work for myself many years ago, there has pretty much never been something that I actually Needed To Do, if I didn’t want to. Everything was on my terms, and if it was too hard, stressful, or unpleasant I just… wouldn’t do it.
Seriously. Mid-program-launch, I’ve decided I didn’t have the resources (or interest) in continuing, and pivoted approaches, or decided to quit. Mid client package, I’ve offered people their money back, because it wasn’t feeling like the right fit.
I fiercely protect my boundaries, advocate for my needs, listen to my body, and trust my gut. So it’s weird to be committed to something that pushes me like this.
And, like, listen. I can do this. I know I can do this, and I’m going to do this, and it’s all good. I’m so close, and I’ve got this.
But I find myself in the weird position right now, of getting to do the only thing I’ve wanted to do my entire life– literally the one thing I’ve wanted ever since I learned how to read– and having it make me completely and utterly miserable.
I was crying about this to my therapist last week, and she asked if I had known anyone who had had a baby. I said yes, and she went on.
“In the beginning, it might have been all excitement and preparation, as they navigate the new experience and imagine how parenthood will be. But by the end– the very end, when their back hurts and the baby is stuck under their ribs and they can’t sleep, or see their feet, or hold their pee– during that last stretch right before labor, they’re not sitting around full of gratitude and awe about the magic of the thing. They’re just like OMG somebody GET THIS FUCKING BABY OUT OF ME!!!”
We had a good laugh about that, because she was absolutely right. Birthing anything is hard, and it’s ok that it pushes us to our limits, and brings up all the emotions. That doesn’t mean we’re ungrateful, or inadequate, or doing anything wrong. It just means we’re human.
So. This last stretch might be white-knuckling, but it’ll all be worth it once it’s out in the world.
And in the meantime I want to remind you that all my self-study programs are on a steeply discounted FLASH SALE for the rest of April!
This includes steep price cuts on:
1. The first time I’ve ever offered a self-study version of my Authentic Body Confidence program on overcoming body image issues.
2. The last time I’ll be offering The Empowered Women Project, on how to develop your self-advocacy skills, stop playing small, improve your confidence, and cultivate your feeling of agency and power!
3. The last time I’ll be offering Remodel Stress, about how to uproot your deepest sources of anxiety and stress.
4. Make Friends With Your Feelings, which is the emotional education I wish we had all gotten growing up.
5. The Avatar Guide, which is my ebook on the four body image avatars.
Head over to my website to browse, learn more about each offer, and snag whatever you want.
I’ll just be over here… writing until my hands fall off… and so happy you’ve decided to go on this journey with me. Thank you for being here, and being you.
Big hug,
Jessi Kneeland
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