We’re All Silently Suffering Right Now—What’s the Source?

#TransparentTuesday

Hi friend,

Lately I’ve been noticing that we seem to be, as a culture, collectively experiencing an epidemic of nameless emotional pain. 

On top of anecdotal evidence from my own life and coaching practice, the research shows that people are more isolated and disconnected than ever before, and that we’re dealing with mental health issues at unprecedented rates. 

But while it’s clear that we are collectively hurting and struggling right now, it’s not exactly clear why. 

So what is this nameless pain? What is this burden so many of us seem to be carrying, and what’s the actual source of our mutual suffering? 

In hearing stories of suffering from clients, peers, and friends over the last couple of years, I’ve been struck by the fact that while the details of their stories are all different, there’s something eerily familiar—something shared but difficult to pinpoint—that seems to run through them all.

Things are fine, people tell me; there’s nothing wrong, exactly. But maybe there’s something… missing? Something off?

Sometimes folks are consciously aware that there are negative feelings present, and report feeling stuck, anxious, exhausted, overwhelmed, or lonely. 

Sometimes they’re only consciously aware that there is absence of positive feelings, and talk about how long it’s been since they felt energized, happy, expansive, purposeful, or lit up.

Either way, most people seem aware that they’re not doing well in some way: not feeling like themselves, not feeling how they want to, or not thriving. But they don't seem to know exactly what’s wrong. 

Maybe you’ve been experiencing this, too? Knowing vaguely that you’re not thriving, but also not knowing exactly why you’re not thriving, and therefore not knowing what to do about it?

If you’re like a lot of my clients, you’ve probably been trying to figure out what the problem is for a while now— trying to put words to it in therapy (or your journal), and going through phases of trying random stuff, or focusing on self-care, in the hopes that it helps. 

If so, maybe some of what you’ve tried actually has helped! 

Cutting down on screen time might have helped with anxiety, working out more might have helped with energy, prioritizing rest might have helped you recover, taking up a new hobby might have brought more joy into your life, and setting better boundaries might have improved your relationships. 

It’s not that these things don’t help at all. 

It’s just that they haven’t added up to the thing you’re really looking for. 

They haven’t solved the problem of that deep-down suffering; that nameless pain. 

If this sounds familiar, you’re very much not alone. I’m seeing this everywhere lately, and people often tell me “I know what I need to do, I just can’t get myself to do it consistently.”

This kind of rhetoric always piques my interest, because as a coach, the psychology of behavioral change is literally my business. And 99% of the time, when someone says these words, they are focused on the wrong thing.

If someone says “I hate how I feel after I binge, so I just need to stop binging,” they may be technically correct on some level. After all, they really would feel better if they stopped binging. 

But by focusing on “trying to stop,” they’re misguidedly making it an issue of self-control or willpower, which sets them up to feel a whole bunch of shame and self-disgust when they fail. 

And they will fail, because this misguided focus also means they’re ignoring the real issue, which is that something deep down is causing them to binge. 

To this I say: ignore the root issue at your own peril. If you don’t name, face, and address the deeper stuff driving your behavior, then any attempts to change that behavior are going to fail, and you’re going to end up feeling like shit about yourself. 

I’ve been seeing this happen for a lot of us lately, because we haven’t been able to put words to our collective pain yet. Instead, we just vaguely know that something feels bad, and we come up with a story about why we feel bad, with that “why” invariably being that we are individually doing something wrong.

It often sounds something like:

• “I feel like shit after mindlessly scrolling my phone, so I know I need to stop, but I don’t have the self control to do it.”

• “I feel better when I spend more time with friends so I need to do that more, but I always feel so drained and overwhelmed that I struggle to reach out or make plans.”

• “I was happier when I spent more time ____. I really need to get back into that, I don’t know why it’s so hard to do.”

Do you see how these kinds of statements make it clear that the person’s pain is their own fault; the result of a personal failing or character flaw? 

We think they know what the problem is (and therefore what the solution is), but because we’re focused on the wrong thing, we end up feeling like a failure for not being able to muster up the willpower, motivation, discipline, or self-control to make it happen. 

The truth is that we might be correct to think these behavioral changes would help us feel better, but if we can’t get ourselves to make them, there is probably something deeper going on… and we need to address that deeper thing first. 

If the things we try to feel better aren’t actually addressing our real problem, they simply won't work. And we cannot effectively address that real problem without first identifying what actually hurts.

Now, it might seem like we should be able to automatically know what hurts and what our problems are, but as a life coach I assure you that is often not the case. 

In my experience, identifying the correct problem is often the hardest part of the process of changing and healing! (Think about all the misguided things people do in the hopes that it will solve a deeper problem, without even being aware of what they’re doing, or why!)

This is actually what got me interested in body image coaching in the first place.

As a personal trainer, people came to me to change their bodies, because they believed their body was their problem. But this strategy rarely gave them what they were actually looking for, because we were focused on the wrong problem. 

Getting in shape is great and all, but looking thinner or more toned simply isn’t the correct solution when the deeper problem is that you feel unworthy, unhappy, unfulfilled, or undeserving.

I left the fitness industry, in part, because I got tired of helping people achieve their goals only to discover it didn’t actually solve the problem they were hoping it would. I wanted to help people solve their problems more effectively and directly, and I realized that for most people, that meant starting at the very beginning, and getting clear on their real goals. 

What were they actually trying to get (or avoid)? How did they actually want to feel, and what was actually keeping that from happening?

Figuring this out is significantly harder than it sounds, which is why I ended up developing whole new systems and writing an entire book to help people identify what they’re actually struggling with, and what they’re actually trying to accomplish. 

You simply cannot do body neutrality work effectively, until you understand why, deep down, you want to look different. 

Almost two decades ago I noticed an epidemic of pain and suffering (particularly among women) around body image, and I wanted to help solve it. But I couldn’t do that until I understood exactly what the problem was, so I dedicated the next decade of my life to understanding it, and helping other people understand it within themselves.

And it turns out that this suffering—which everyone previously assumed to be something they struggled with alone, the result of some personal failing or character flaw—was in fact a collective experience. 

Body image issues are a communal pain that can only be healed by bringing it out of the shadows of isolation and shame, and facing it together, in the bright light of day.

Now I think I’m seeing a new epidemic of pain and suffering. Another one that everyone thinks they’re battling alone. Another one that is breeding shame and isolation. Another one that I’m willing to dedicate years of my life to understanding and solving. 

Because no matter how it feels, this nameless pain and suffering isn’t a “you thing.” 

This is an “us thing,” and we need to face it together. 

With all this in mind, I want to ask you what you think. If you resonated with any of what I wrote here, please hit reply and tell me what you think hurts right now!

If you’ve been struggling to thrive, I would love to hear your thought process:

• What do you believe is “wrong?” 

• What’s missing, or what needs are going unmet?

• Where is the pain coming from? 

• What’s the deeper problem?

I’m specifically looking for your personal insights around this, but if you have any thoughts about what’s going on collectively, please feel free to share those too!

Is our collective inability to thrive right now the result of our lives all being irrevocably interrupted by COVID, and the societal shifts toward isolation and fear that brought about? Are we struggling with a lack of purpose, meaning, hope, spiritual connection, connection, or joy? Are we hurting because we don’t spend enough time in nature, in community, or in a state of mindfulness? 

Are we in pain because we spend too much time on screens, scrolling social media, or engaging in other dopamine-seeking or numbing behaviors… or do we just turn to these behaviors to cope with a deeper, preexisting pain? (And if so, what is that deeper, preexisting pain really about?)

Figuring out the real source of our pain and suffering is incredibly difficult, and shame thrives in isolation. So while it’s very tempting to blame ourselves or feel like we’re the only ones dealing with something, I promise you there is something bigger going on here, and that you are not alone. 

I also promise that I will read every single response, keep trying to understand, and report back with what I find. 

Because putting words to our pain is the first step to healing it, and we were never meant to fight these demons alone. 

Big hug,

Jessi

PS If you’re looking for support in naming or fighting your own demons—whether around body image, relationships, sex, business, or anything else that hurts right now—I would love to help. Apply for coaching with me here, or hit reply to ask about how we can work together!