{#TransparentTuesday} Plan B.

I’ve known I was going to have children with my partner since about our second date.

I actually wrote a journal entry around that time, about how I still *really* didn’t want children. How I still felt vehemently disgusted and repelled by the thought of being pregnant or raising a child– or even being married!

…but in the same entry, I wrote about the deep knowing I felt, this bizarre and brand-new sensation of absolute certainty that I was going to have a family with this man.

This might sound a little confusing or crazy, but that kind of knowing was nothing new for me.

I’ve been cultivating a close relationship with my intuition for a long time, and I trust that there are signals and messages I get sometimes, without knowing where they come from or how I’ve gotten them.

I used to ignore these messages, of course, like most of us learn to do when we’re little.

After all, we live in a world that isn’t particularly tolerant for people (read → women {read → witches}) who know stuff they can’t prove or back up with facts or science.

But now I listen and trust the messages my body and intuition give me more than literally anything else.

Basically I’m a witch, and I’m ok with that.

Just to be clear though, this knowing I felt back when I first started dating my partner didn’t actually change anything on its own. It didn’t knock down the walls I had up around the idea of being a parent. It didn’t erase the fears I had about bringing a child into this fucked up world, or make the concept of giving up years of sex and intimacy sound any more appealing.

Oh, no.

All that knowing did was point me in the direction I had to go. The rest of the job was mine and mine alone; I still had to do the work of questioning, writing, moving, sobbing, meditating, and digging deeeeeeep into my fears. I had to battle my demons while laying on a mat in the middle of the Peruvian jungle, and for the many months that followed as I processed and integrated what I’d learned there.

I did it though. Over the last 16 months of dating this man, I’ve found my way to all of it. The walls are down, and I’m looking forward to both marriage and the adventure of pregnancy and child-raising with him, and we both want it to be relatively soon.

Which brings me to what happened last week.

Since taking out my IUD, I’ve been using my Daysy for birth control, but being fairly loose about the rules. The official plan is to wait a while before getting pregnant, but we’ve also taken the stance that whatever happens happens; that getting pregnant right now wouldn’t be ideal but we’d figure it out.

Then last week came a day of reckoning. (And by that I mean, a miscommunication during sex on a very-fertile day, that led to the suddenly real AF chance of me getting pregnant right now.)

What happened next was surprising and beautiful. We talked through the options, I texted a few people for support and feedback, we came to a decision, and he went out that night to buy me a Plan B pill.

Having been vehemently against getting pregnant my whole life, I’ve never had to take the Plan B pill before. I’ve never even had a “scare” of any kind, since I was die-hard about being suuuper careful! Plus I’d heard horror stories about Plan B messing you up physically, and I never wanted to find out how my body would react to it.

As we talked through the options, the horrible side effects of Plan B were in the back of my mind, and I was really hoping to avoid them. We talked about how maybe I wouldn’t even get pregnant! Then we talked about what we would do if I did.

At a certain point in this surprisingly calm and loving conversation, we both realized that this just isn’t the right time for us. We’re so close to being able to do it the way we want to (with both parents home more often), we just need to wait a little longer until he’s done with grad school.

I felt this truth settle instantly over my body with a solid certainty and warmth, like being wrapped in a blanket of knowing. It was my intuition, my body, letting me know I had landed on the right answer.

And just like that, the choice to take Plan B went from feeling scary to feeling empowered.

I believe our bodies are wise AF, and that they’re constantly talking to us. The problem is that most of us never learn how to listen. Even worse, we learn that listening is bad, dangerous, crazy, or stupid.

The problem is that when you can’t hear your body or intuition talking to you, you’re stuck relying on logic and reason. You’re stuck trying to figure out what you “should” do, instead of what you want to do.

Learning how to tune into the signals your body gives you is more than just learning to eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full– it’s also about knowing with absolute certainty when you’ve landed on the right decision for you, so that there is no room for doubt, guilt, or self-criticism.

It’s about tuning into your deep knowing, and trusting it, even if you don’t know how you know.

Can you say that– do you ask for your body’s wisdom to guide you during difficult decisions?

Or are you stuck trying to endlessly weigh and re-weigh the heavy pressures of “should” and “what will people think?” and “so-and-so says...” to make the big decisions that will eventually shape your life?

This right here is one of the reasons I’m passionate about helping people reconnect to their bodies.

Not just because it helps with body image issues and confidence, but because it’s crucial for building a life full of YES.

Reconnecting to your body is crucial for building a life full of YES

Learning how to listen to the language your body speaks is a non-negotiable part of self-trust, peace, and clarity… and for avoiding the plague of guilt and self-doubt.

If this is something you’re ready to learn, I’m currently accepting applications to fill three private coaching spots– the only new coaching clients I’ll be taking this winter!

Trust me, it is possible to know, trust, and embrace yourself. This is bigger than body image issues. This is about living your most empowered and certain life.

Apply here for coaching if you’re ready to be a witch. 😉

So much clarity and love,

<3

Jessi

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