Fear of “Losing Your Looks.”

#TransparentTuesday

I recently saw a young, conventionally attractive woman on TikTok having a complete breakdown about turning 30 and “feeling old.”

While still quite young, this woman said she was noticing that she already seems to be getting less attention for her looks (from men, in particular), and that she’s terrified about getting older and not being pretty enough to get attention and validation for her appearance anymore. 

As a body image coach I’ve heard stories like hers many times, and my heart broke for this poor woman (and for women everywhere!). Then, as I scrolled through the comments, it all got even bleaker.

Predictably, I saw a lot of people trying to make her feel better by telling her she was beautiful, reassuring her that women can still be beautiful in their thirties, and sharing personal stories of how they’ve harnessed the power of skin care and wellness habits to go through a “glow-up,” so that they actually look better in their thirties than they did in their twenties… and she can too!

I know the commenters were genuinely trying to help. But counter-intuitively, these kinds of comments will probably only reinforce this poor woman’s belief that her attractiveness is the most important thing about her—the thing that gives her value and worth—and therefore make her anxiety and insecurity about “losing her looks” even more intense, rather than less.

She will undoubtedly feel supported and loved as she reads through them, and they might even help her relax a little knowing she still has a handful of attractive years left in her… but ultimately they won’t do anything to assuage the dread and anxiety she feels about what will happen after.

When she no longer fits into conventional beauty ideals, and has lost the one thing that made her feel “confident.” When she stops getting attention, validation, and praise for how she looks. When she has to face the prospect of not being “special,” “relevant,” or “worthy” anymore, in the eyes of society.

There were a few comments in there that veered closer to being actually helpful, mentioning stuff like how she needs to learn how to value herself for more than how she looks, that she shouldn’t care what men think, and to not let the anti-aging industry manipulate her into feeling insecure. And a few people even shared that yes it can be hard to lose the social status of being young and attractive, but aging brings with it some benefits too, like freedom from objectification and scrutiny, and the ability to care less what other people think!

But there were also many more comments—often from women in their thirties, forties, and fifties—saying that she was right to be scared, because losing your looks is exactly as horrible as she thinks. 

They told personal stories of unending insecurity; of having men leave them for younger women; of feeling invisible and irrelevant. There were horror stories about perimenopause and age discrimination, some folks spouting gender essentialist bullshit about how it’s a “biological fact that women lose value as they age,” and a lot of women saying that this is the exact reason they feel like they “have to” spend so much time, money, and energy trying to look younger than they are.

I honestly found the whole thing pretty… alarming. 

I’m aware, of course, that aging is a source of insecurity and anxiety for a lot of people in our youth-obsessed culture, and that women (who are often taught that their worth is dependent on their attractiveness) get hit the hardest by it. 

I work with women all the time who are struggling to accept their bodies (and faces) as they age, and facing the identity-demolishing transitions that age can bring, from pregnancy and parenthood to menopause, career changes, and empty nesting—sometimes all at the same time!

But due to the nature of my work and brand, the majority of my clients have some understanding or awareness of how their body image is being influenced by social conditioning and internalized oppression. 

To be clear, this understanding and awareness does not, in and of itself, mean that they struggle less with body image… or anything else for that matter! But it does mean they tend to be more curious, introspective, and willing to explore and challenge their own beliefs and assumptions than the average bear.

And that’s what startled me about both the video, and the comments: there was so little curiosity and introspection, and no awareness whatsoever that their beliefs and perceptions are subjective, or being influenced by social conditioning and emotional projections.

Everyone seems to be sharing their opinions and experiences with aging as though they were objectively factual, as in:

• Of course a woman’s worth, value, and confidence come from how she looks!

• Of course you can only feel confident if you have a constant stream of attention, validation, and praise for how you look!

• Of course social status, privilege, and superiority are the key to feeling “good enough!”

• Of course the central purpose of a woman’s life is to be attractive/desirable to men!

Sigh.

Now, listen. In a culture obsessed with looking as young as possible, where youth and beauty automatically bestow an unearned level of social status, opportunities, and power (and where age discrimination is real), it makes sense that we might all prefer to look young forever. 

But there are many areas of life in which we would prefer things be different, that don’t cause us to feel miserable, panicky, and worthless, right? (Right.)

Preferences, in and of themselves, are normal, morally neutral, and safe to have. They don’t automatically lead to suffering, or have the power to negatively impact your sense of identity, worth, or value!

So as with all body image issues, the only reason a “preference” for looking different has the power to destroy your confidence (or life) is because you’ve attached a false or inflated sense of  meaning, interpretation, moral judgment, or significance to that preference. 

And when it comes to aging, people might say they “prefer to look younger,” when the intensity of their anxiety, shame, or fear of aging tells me that subconsciously they associate beauty with value and worth, youth with power and opportunity, and social status/privilege with moral goodness and safety.

The flip side of all that meaning and association is that aging automatically equals failure, invisibility, abandonment, isolation, and helplessness. In other words, aging is dangerous.

So while it’s possible you do have an “aesthetic preference” for younger faces and bodies, if you find yourself feeling terrified of aging, or really struggling with a loss of confidence as you age, there's probably a lot more going on there. 

And just like with all body image issues, if you want to overcome age-related insecurities, you’re gonna need to do some digging to figure out exactly what’s going on underneath the surface of that suffering, and deal with that stuff directly. (You can check out my book Body Neutral to learn how!)

By the way, if this topic resonates with you and you’re interested in working on it together, please hit reply and let me know! I’m open to putting together a small coaching group around body image and aging. 🙂

Big hug,

Jessi