Since returning from my soul-healing trip to Peru in January, I’ve slowly been making some changes to my life.
I wish I could say these changes are the result of feeling tooootally in tune with the universe’s current of love or whatever, but uh… yeah. No. That’s not what happened.
Ayahuasca made me highly sensitive to energy, including the sometimes barely-perceptible energy shifts within myself. With this new awareness came a realization that there were a whole bunch of stuff in my normal day-to-day life that did not feel good.
I suddenly saw a thousand tiny ways that my life had been just ok. Nothing was exactly bad mind you, but there was a lot of areas that were just pretty… meh.
And I don’t do meh, so I started making changes.
At first, a lot of the changes I made were subtractions. I got rid of a bunch of shit that simply had to go:
No more lifting weights.
No more hormonal birth control.
No more phone allowed in the bedroom at night.
No more wearing all black.
No more long hair.
Other changes have been conscious additions. Stuff I realized I wanted, and got:
Regular hikes with my partner.
Belly dance classes.
Lingerie (something I’ve never had any interest in before).
A new couch.
House plants.
Many of the changes have just been proportional shifts in how I spend my time. A little more of this and a little less of that:
More time outside, less time working.
More time with family, less time on my phone.
More sex, less social media.
More reading, less netflix.
More resting, less hustling.
But the most important changes have been less clearly defined, and much more… random. Like throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks.
The thing is, I know I’m looking for something. I just don’t know what yet.
This lack of clarity is weird for me. I’m used to knowing exactly what I want and then going after it. It’s actually pretty uncomfortable; I don’t even know what I even want.
I do want something, though. I need something. A devotional practice, maybe? More sensual pleasure, certainly. A creative outlet, or perhaps a new relationship to my true creative process.
It feels almost like I’m looking for a “way in.” To what though, I don’t know. So how do I find out? Easy. I try a bunch of random new shit.
Normally I’m extremely possessive over my time, and highly discerning about what I spend it on. Lately, anything goes. If it sounds even remotely interesting or valuable, and it’s available in Syracuse, I’m trying it.
Some of my recent experiments include:
Hot yoga.
Acupuncture.
Cupping.
Salt water flotation.
Pilates.
Belly dance.
Kundalini yoga.
Watercolor paint.
Spin class.
Pottery class.
And most recently: African dance.
I don’t enjoy being a beginner at anything, so none of these have really rocked my world yet. But that’s ok. I’ll continue to show up for the ones I like, and keep trying new stuff, until something changes.
Why?
Because each new thing I try helps me recognize what I’m not looking for.
Each new experience allows me to bounce myself off a new stimulus. This means I get to learn more about myself, and that’s how I will find both the question, and the answer, that I’m seeking.
Not knowing what you’re looking for is no reason to stop looking.
Not knowing what the right question is, is no reason to stop asking.
Everything would be so much easier if we constantly lived with sublime clarity about what was going on for us all the time. But sometimes you have no idea what’s wrong, or what’s missing, or what needs your attention. Sometimes you don’t know who you are, or what you’re even looking for.
I say put yourself in motion anyway.
Put yourself in motion, engage in the world with curiosity, and then gather data– that’s how you find both the question and the answer.
Try shit, then pay attention. How did that experience make you feel? What did you learn from it? What does it make you want to do next?
That’s where I’m at right now. The throw-shit-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks phase of the scientific method. (That is one of the steps, right?)
It’s pretty fun, all things considered.
Happy Tuesday my darling,
<3
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