As I write this, it’s been over a week since I’ve worked out.
I might go to the gym later today, or I might not. I haven’t decided yet, and frankly I don’t especially care either way.
Five years ago I would be freaking out right now. “Over a week off?! I’ll fuck up my whole program!! I’ll lose muscle and miss out on possible PRs for the next couple of months and I’ll mess it all up noooooo!!!” (Poor five-years-ago-Jessi. No chill.)
Instead of freaking out though, I’m calmly taking stock and staying aware of how I feel. I know that eventually I will want to work out again, so it’s no big deal to take some time off.
I also know that I’m practicing self-care in lots of other ways at the moment. None of them will keep my butt juicy, or make my shoulders pop, but who cares? The self-care I’m practicing lately is more about grounding myself, rooting myself, moving inward, resting, and soothing.
I’m also preparing for a very physically intense plant-medicine healing retreat in Peru. I leave in less than a week, and in order to prepare I’m taking stock of certain areas of my life that I want to focus on healing. (Part of the preparation also includes abstaining from some of my favorite things: sexual activity, alcohol, supplements, and even pork!)
Given the fact that my retreat lasts 2 weeks, and then I’ll have to take some time to recover and integrate what I learn, it very well could end up being over a month with no serious workouts.
And I’m really ok with that.
The truth is actually that fitness hasn’t been a priority to me in a long time. The last few months I’ve been lifting, but I can hardly say I’ve been crushing it.
I work out when I can, and when I want to, and that’s that.
Recently, it’s been pretty minimal. Some days I don’t do anything at all, and some days I do a long meditation or stretch-session instead of working out. Multiple times I’ve gotten to the gym thinking I would lift weights, only to put on an episode of Homeland and walk leisurely on the treadmill for a bit
My relationship to fitness has changed, but this is nothing new. It’s constantly changing.
The thing is, for a while as a high-paid “celebrity” personal trainer in NYC, I didn’t have to “motivate” myself to lift. My workouts were my top priority. I was surrounded by the best of the best, I wanted to improve every single day, and my lifting sessions were my laboratory.
On bench press day I would often wake up feeling bummed that I had to wait until 4pm to lift. I never missed a workout, not even on vacation or holidays. My workouts were non-negotiable, and I always found a way.
Nowadays my focus is elsewhere. My craft is being honed reading, writing, and coaching, instead of lifting.
As such, fitness has become a far less important part of my life. I don’t care about pushing my body to it’s limits, or hitting new strength PRs, or even looking like a fitness model. If the last month is any indication, I don’t even care too much about fitting into my clothes. (Seriously. I recently tried to pull on an old pair of compression leggings and they wouldn’t even come up past my hips.)
Right now, ease and gentleness are my priority. Healing and enjoying my life are the most important. Embracing my feminine, and my yin, are what matter to me.
Does this show in my body? Sure. Compared to two years ago I’m a bit softer, a bit bigger, and bit jigglier.
But that’s ok.
I honestly love my squish and jiggle, because it makes me feels feminine and beautiful. (Plus I like thinking my body is padding me while I heal some big scary stuff.)
I also know that my body is malleable and responsive, and that if/when my priorities change, my habits will change, and my body will follow. There is no end point. This is just where I am right now, and it’s 100% beautiful, valuable, and worthy of love.
What are your priorities right now?
Hint: your *real* priorities are the ones you actually take action on, on a regular basis.
What if you just accepted them, instead of trying to force them to change so you can get a different outcome?
What if the outcome of honoring your priorities was always, by definition, beautiful, valuable, and worthy of love?
Wishing you a beautiful Tuesday, <3
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